Last night I felt my soul saying goodbye to a special person in my life. I let my tears flow and I stayed with the wave of sadness that brushed up along the shore of my consciousness a few hours before. I’ve had enough encounters with spirit these past two years to no longer deem something a mere coincidence. It’s all interconnected. I fully believe that, down to the smallest detail. This morning I reached for an unscented candle. One was already by my bed, but it was scented and because of that it somehow didn’t feel appropriate. So I lit this other unscented candle, one with a feather stuck in it. The heat from the flame sinched* (lightly burn…it seems it’s not actually a word but it’s the only word–made up or not–that feels fitting) the feather and the scent reminded me of summer afternoons at my grandma’s house when she plucked the feathers off the chicken she would later prepare for dinner, the chicken I never wanted to eat. I started playing Krishna Das’ Mere Guru Dev on repeat and let my body move as slowly as it wished. Every other breath I’d see the flame from the
Over the past week I’ve had a bucket full of further revelations and spiritual homework assignments. An overarching category that cradles a handful of the lessons is self-worth. I more or less denied that I harbored self-worth issues. While I didn’t often receive love in the way I needed it, I always felt worthy of amazing congruent with my needs love. But then how is it that I stayed in a relationship much longer than I should have, forgiving many more things than I should have, had I actually believed that I was worthy of top-notch love? How is it that I climbed on and off the sugar and food-for-numbing and self-harm bandwagon so many times that my brittle fingers lost track? If I truly believed that I was worthy of the most high-quality type of love, how then did I regularly fall through on the self-care commitments I made with myself? It’s because I was protecting that shield of illusion like the victim protects their abuser. It’s because I did not actually feel worthy of the type of love I proclaimed I deserved. It’s because when it really came down to it, I didn’t show up for myself like
It’s been speaking up over and over every few weeks for the past five months. “Write” it says with a cadence that both pulls me in and frightens me. I’ve never tried to write, not for any purpose other than academic or professional work. “Writer” or “artist” are not terms I would ever associate with myself. Yet, without missing a beat, each night, something would emerge to the surface, something that yearned to be written, heard, seen, and shared. It gripped me; and once I glanced in its direction, it didn’t let go. So I spent a few months introducing myself to this mysterious soul that lived within my body. As we got to know each other we both grew, we each lovingly put forth a rug of support where everything was ok and anything could be explored. From this space I leapt forward into possibilities abundant in sharing the creative entities that ooze out through my pores. And so, in this little electronic nook, I shall share my creative explorations. These are pieces of myself that live amidst other parts; some are reflections of my psycho-emotional state, but others are artistic organisms that materialize on their own and do not
I am experimenting with a new medium: audio recordings. Listen to the first one below: Morning routine. 3 pages. Some days are harder than others. Some days I don’t want to see myself on the page. Some days I remember that it’s not all mine. On those days I embrace the tangled up knots. | 3 simple pages & 2 cups of tea. It’s the prelude to meditation, it is its own kind of meditation. An energetic brain dump—a sorting through.
“I saw a woman yesterday she took a letter from her case and as she read it she began to cry” – from See You There by Emily King ___________________ Bare your soul Bare it open For all to see Because there’s nothing in there that is shame-worthy There’s nothing in there that isn’t precious There’s nothing in there that isn’t in all of us too So when we turn away or scowl It’s just because we see, we See our abandoned parts in what you so bravely share Give us more, we need more of that medicine Show us what it’s like to be scared, hurt, abandoned, and held down Show us what it’s like to be angry and helpless Because when you show us that you also show us what real hope and tenacity look like You show us Heart. You show us Faith. You show us what we’re afraid of. And we need it modeled for us, because we can get so blinded to our own source of it. So bare your soul Bare it open For all to see Shame is just a construct created by the weak, by the ones who seek to hide and
Navigate through life gracefully. You can always lean on something beautiful to support you You are not any less strong when you do. You can sip from life’s nectar as often as you’d like You are not taking up anyone’s resources unnecessarily. Have no shame in brushing up against anything or anyone For everything and everyone you encounter are there to support your development and learning. But do remember to be considerate of those who’s hearts you meet, do remember that you leave an imprint on those you touch, and with a whole heart, remember that you are just one of the many among a bunch of other folks who too are just trying to figure it out. So as you lean in to someone and as you expose your heart, listen. Listen for the truth behind what someone says, for the truth in their actions, for the truth that sometimes lies underneath the first layer, the truth they may not be seeing. Remember that at the end of each adventure, you have yourself to return home to. You also have no choice but to return home at the end of your journeys. You cannot permanently live upon the flower
The t h r e s h o l d it’s when the container’s overflowed It’s when the opening has narrowed It’s when you start to hold back Little pieces here and there Reallocating who receives them It’s kinda just like that A subtle internal reorganization A desire to limit the hurt from one direction The hurt that is part of everything Because nothing ever shows up in this world without a little bit of pang But there’s a threshold to the hurt There’s a threshold you design There’s a threshold you’re in charge of So figure out Just how much you’re willing to carry Just how much you’re willing to give Just how much you’re willing to hurt There is no wrong answer For its only your own threshold And it’s as ever changing as you are So when you feel the subtle shift in the other direction, go forth, it’s ok You can always change your mind You can always open up the chambers of your heart a little more But you can always close them a tad too, just enough to feel less exposed from one direction c o n n e c t i o n
Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed your fears. Shed the conditioning that isn’t congruent with how you want to live, with who you want to be, with what perspective you want to have. Shed the preconceptions. Shed the judgments. Shed the layers that no longer suit you, that no longer protect you, so you can get to the deep truths underneath. So you may return to love. So you may return to what made you grow in the first place. So you may return to the space of being unafraid of growth. Shed. Shed. Shed. In pieces. Small bits at a time. For you get no prize for dropping all the layers at once. There is no virtue in forcing and hurrying up. Be gentle with yourself as pieces splinter off. Be gentle but allow, allow the natural process of shedding to occur. And then stand there in your magnificence. A freshborn being. Old and new.
The sun will keep shining and the moon will keep showing herself and the birds will keep singing and the clouds will keep dancing across the sky because Mother Nature loves unconditionally, she doesn’t withhold these gifts from us when we’ve lost our way and made terrible decisions as humans and as humanity. She just shows us and blesses us with these gifts each day. I mean have you thought about it?….regardless of what happens the sun always rises and sets. Twice a day, it never misses a day. Regardless of how horrible of a tragedy was committed in the world on any given day.–and a horrible tragedy is usually committed in the world each day. And yet we are not withheld this beauty twice each day. And so, it is our responsibility to find within ourselves the capacity to love unconditionally and to show up without holding back each day, ideally twice a day. To just show up and love. Or at best, to just show up. “Even after all the time, The sun never says to the Earth, ‘you owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the sky.” – Hafiz