A note on fear and narcissism from Morning Pages 10-7-17

I am not sure where I picked up the habit of making myself do that which I find uncomfortable and scary. I never caught it as it formed itself within. Nonetheless, this is how I practice what I need to learn, what I need to become more comfortable with. I do it in continual and digestible doses until I am comfortable, until I can hang out within it for a good chunk of time. This method is slightly comical given that the byline of my business is “helping people face themselves, tenderly.” We teach what we need to learn. I never wanted the role of teacher for myself, but it has truly saved my life. Below is my vulnerable dose of facing what which scares me. I’ve audio recorded and typed out the first half of today’s morning pages entry. I’ve been feeling the urge to record meditations and offer them to the world, but I’ve also been deeply afraid of the sharing part. Especially because I envision an entire meditation album, and then that’s a lot to put my name on and claim as something I created. (even there I wanted to write co-created because I am uncomfortable with

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New Fall Schedule

It’s only in community that we grow, that we see just how much we touch one another. It’s only in community that we learn certain things about ourselves, about all the ways of being human, about healing. This life has an abundance of tricks up its billion-year old sleeves. Don’t try to keep up and stay ahead of the curve. Just show up. It’s how you keep up, it’s how you fall apart, it’s how you reshape yourself back together, only to continue the process again and again. It’s not the hard stuff that breaks you, it’s how you respond, it’s your stubbornness in believing you must do it alone. We all have hard stuff, every single one of us. Try to remember that, but most of all try to remember that opening up your hand or heart to receive … in community … is the answer. With all the love you feel when the sun shines on your face, Maddy FALL SCHEDULE: Tuesdays 6:30-7:45pm @ Breakfast Culture Club (by donation. Proceeds go to New Beginnings) Wednesdays 6:15 – 7:15pm @fitnesswithrachelgoleta  (goleta) Fridays 8:45-9:45 am @fitnesswithrachelgoleta  (goleta) Saturdays 12:00-1:15 (flow) & 1:30 – 2:45 (yin) @evolationyogasb (summerland) Sundays 10:30 – 12:00

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Unwinding fears: post from Instagram

My body hates boxes. The corners make it shudder and the borders make it slither away until we both make a break for the oceanside—the only border I happen to love, irregular and regularly shifting. For a very long time I thought I was a fraud because I never did anything enough to satisfy my inner critic. When I would go all the way I’d encounter the perceived outer critic soon thereafter. These are the fears I carried on my heart: – you don’t get to say or do that – you are not allowed to express that – you may not express that in that way – you are not qualified – you are not allowed to take up so much space, to ask for so much, to play I still have remnants of these fears stapled to my heart, but the paper they were smeared on is becoming so bleached by the sun that it’s disappearing. And the staples, well stitches fade after a while when the body reabsorbs the tissue. My experience of the world and my lived experience is jumbled and aspects of various mediums bleed through the borders of one another. The borders of how

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Trauma perspective: feeling and numbing

The vlogging continues. This week: When reading and learning about trauma, please remember to check in with your own body’s wisdom. What research has helped us understand is deeply valuable, but we must also remember that the lens of research–and thus the conclusions that end up published–are influenced by the researcher’s perspectives and expectations. Certainly, high quality research accounts for that and attempts to minimize the negative aspects of perspective bias, but to research human behavior is necessarily as messy and complicated as the human itself. For questions, email me: maddybortes@icloud.com or begin a conversation on social media: instagram.com/maddybortes , facebook.com/maddybortesyoga , twitter.com/madalinabortes    

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Get the picture?

There’s a woman who’s bared a piece of her soul on the internet. When I needed to feel my soul’s honest cries for my attention, I used to read her words. Monday through Friday as I was commuting to a job that made no sense for my heart’s calling, I used to have an hour and a half each way; plenty of time for her words to entertain my soul—and they did. Words are the only other thing besides sugar, I’ve always voraciously eaten up. When I was in the fourth grade, I began retreating into novels—they helped me hide in plain sight, and I needed to hide without much fuss, for long periods of time back then. My father, who was at the height of his mental health violence, would not bother me if I was reading. So I read, and read, and read, till three in the morning sometimes…ate up every word. There’s a peacefulness in reading, regardless of how atrocious the truth revealed in the words may be. This week has brought a lot of turmoil to us all. The planet is crying out for attention and we may once more ignore the call. I know you

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New Schedule + A Memory

I wrote this a year ago. [pasted below from those Facebook memories] I remember the day. I had been walking around a city park with my dad. When I saw this trees I nearly dropped to my knees in awe. True rooted magnificence staring me in the face. The intent for classes today was to root deeply into steady energy and to recommit often. It sprung up and I felt my heart bloom–I had no idea what I’d say in class, no idea what the intent would be. The things that are most true, they stick around…you don’t have to look too hard, they find a way to find you. With love as wild as the branches…or my hair in this humid California heat (never thought I’d say that lol), Maddy New schedule: Sundays 10:30 – 12:00 Santa Barbara Yoga Center Wednesdays 6:30 – 7:30 pm Fitness with Rachel in Goleta Fridays 8:45 – 9:45 am Fitness with Rachel Saturdays 12:00 (flow) + 1:30 (yin) Evolation Yoga Daily intent: root deeply inward. Part two: do so to connect to your essence and power. Intention is a concept that alluded me for a long time. I still remember the day my

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Upleveling my practice

Part of upleveling my commitment to my intention for the year is showing up for what makes me uncomfortable. Being on video, definitely makes me uncomfortable. I notice I do this weird thing with my face and my voice changes…every time. Truly, those odd things that arise are hints that a deep layer of fear around being myself remains. So, to stay true to my intention, I’ve decided to do what brings up this fear over and over.

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Recent Publications

A most sincere thank you to B T W N, Pacifica Graduate Institute’s Literary Journal and Teach.Yoga, the project started by Elena Brower for publishing these poems.

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accountable, daily.

And if you finally started to hold yourself accountable, what would happen? Would you drift off over the edge of the sea, ashamed that you’ve fallen through on your word so many times before? Would you be so ashamed when you saw your own reflection in the calm undertow that you’d miss the still innocent and earnest heart waiting for you to feed it? Aren’t the promises you make to your heart just as important as the ones you so eagerly give to others? Let the fog envelop your doubts child and just try. Show up and try. every morning, like the seagulls that reliably fly in round’ 7:35 at the break of each new day. show up and try, perhaps one day you’ll fly. and if you never take off soaring, so what? For isn’t a life adorned with wholehearted attempts precious still?

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