I am not sure where I picked up the habit of making myself do that which I find uncomfortable and scary. I never caught it as it formed itself within. Nonetheless, this is how I practice what I need to learn, what I need to become more comfortable with. I do it in continual and digestible doses until I am comfortable, until I can hang out within it for a good chunk of time. This method is slightly comical given that the byline of my business is “helping people face themselves, tenderly.” We teach what we need to learn. I never wanted the role of teacher for myself, but it has truly saved my life. Below is my vulnerable dose of facing what which scares me. I’ve audio recorded and typed out the first half of today’s morning pages entry. I’ve been feeling the urge to record meditations and offer them to the world, but I’ve also been deeply afraid of the sharing part. Especially because I envision an entire meditation album, and then that’s a lot to put my name on and claim as something I created. (even there I wanted to write co-created because I am uncomfortable with taking credit for things. a healthy dose of that is necessary, but there’s a downward curve and at a certain point you pass modesty and enter self-deprecating territory, which is really just a flavor of fear) (and now I naturally worry I am over-indulging in writing all of this out and offering it up for you to read it…even though I do not have the expectation that you will read every word I type) (welcome to my constellation of thoughts and unserving self-awareness)
May you extend compassion to yourself today.
Audio recording: https://soundcloud.com/maddy-bortes/a-note-on-fear-and-narcissism-from-morning-pages-10-7-17
There are seven more days to write the Soros app essays. I am delighted to do them.
Sometimes I feel shame around using the video’s we’ll make or selling myself. I feel shame at the false thought that I am showing off and think too highly of myself in a glutinous and narcissistic way. I know that it is not true, but what is very true is that I need to make peace with, accept, and come to terms with the narcissistic piece within myself that is also within everyone else. Isn’t it narcissistic to believe that you don’t have a narcissist piece, that somehow you’re one of the special ones in that way or the only one without the piece because you’re just that special? Every time you say “not me” you are denying that piece and aspect within yourself.
I worry at recording these talks and also providing the script because then people will think I’m so enamored with myself. That is not a belief that has any truth to it beyond what I’ve contrived.
I’ve just read what I wrote up to this point to myself and my heart is beating in that fluttery-excited-nervous way: like it feels when the energy of truth courses through something—whether a constellation of thoughts or a piece of art, whether music, writing, dance, painting, etc. The thread of truth here: that I do fear judgment around narcissism, that I have not accepted and made peace with my narcissistic piece, and because of that, because I haven’t named it in a vulnerable and exposing way, it remains very strong—appearing much stronger than it actually is. Name what you want to set free. And then stay within that deeply uncomfortable lake of shame, fear, and vulnerability until the sun shines so hot that the water evaporates down to just your ankles. I love you deeply, genuinely. Write (type) this out and share it — every word as it came. Then place your hand over your heart and breathe. Stay with yourself until you’re a little more comfortable until the sun warms up your face and the moon gives her blessings. Breathe. Ok I will do it now.