Over the past week I’ve had a bucket full of further revelations and spiritual homework assignments. An overarching category that cradles a handful of the lessons is self-worth. I more or less denied that I harbored self-worth issues. While I didn’t often receive love in the way I needed it, I always felt worthy of amazing congruent with my needs love. But then how is it that I stayed in a relationship much longer than I should have, forgiving many more things than I should have, had I actually believed that I was worthy of top-notch love? How is it that I climbed on and off the sugar and food-for-numbing and self-harm bandwagon so many times that my brittle fingers lost track? If I truly believed that I was worthy of the most high-quality type of love, how then did I regularly fall through on the self-care commitments I made with myself? It’s because I was protecting that shield of illusion like the victim protects their abuser. It’s because I did not actually feel worthy of the type of love I proclaimed I deserved. It’s because when it really came down to it, I didn’t show up for myself like I showed up for other people. It’s because my dysfunctional relationship with love is rooted in my history, my history of growing up with conditional love, with examples of really messed up love, with examples of never prioritizing love of oneself or another. The value of detailing that history for public consumption is rather minimal; we all have a dirty relationship with love, with the conditions we felt we needed to meet in order to receive the scraps of love we needed. But there may be value in explaining my realization about self-worth, which itself is rooted in that cauldron of messy yet pure love. So here it goes…
You show up for yourself when you believe you are worthy of your time.
You establish healthy boundaries when you believe you are worthy of love that isn’t resting on messed up conditions.
You show up for your list of self-care items when you believe you are worthy of receiving their benefit.
You show up to feed yourself nourishing food every single time your body is hungry when you believe you are worthy of your best quality of care.
You show up to the difficult conversations when you believe you are worthy of respect.
You show up to part ways with someone when you believe you are worthy of that magnificent love.
You show up, when you believe that you are as worthy as everyone and everything that exists in this world in this moment exactly as you are, with all of your pitfalls, fallen through promises, awful thoughts, contradictions, and hurtful actions.
You show up in a worthy way when you believe, truly believe, that you are worthy, worthy without you needing to do, be, or give anything.
So what’s your reality about self-worth? Examine all the places in your life where you’ve made promises and fallen through, where you’ve intended to do something (eat better, exercise, meditate, connect with your spirit, connect with a friend) but never got around to it, at least not with consistency. Up-level: examine all the conditions you believe you must meet in order to receive love or in order to ensure that the love you’re receiving won’t be taken away. P.S., when you’re worried about pissing someone off, someone who isn’t a boss/professional connection, it’s a hint that you’re living in a conditional-love way.
Comment below or email. When we have conversations about the stuff that lingers around our heart we lighten our load, we broaden our perspective, we build connection and in turn community, we create a safe space for others to face themselves.